The Writing Project - Burn

I left,

I left teary-eyed,

I left teary-eyed and hollow,

I left teary-eyed, hollow and broken,

Just like the last three times, when they trampled on my heart

I know,

I know you,

I know you are different,

I know the different you and that your kindest heart,

Did not mean to break me up, but build lovingly

I loved,

I loved you,

I loved you like a snow flake,

I loved you like a snow flake rushing to meet the mountain,

Like the stars in a child’s eyes, and the aisle waiting for the to-be-weds

I wish,

I wish for you,

I wish for you to have the moon,

I wish that you will wish for me, even when you’re there,

But you won’t and then I’ll wish I dint wish for you anymore

I burn,

I burn with pain, the feeble kind,

I burn to not destroy, and not to build,

I burn because I’m ought to burn,

I burn in the misery that every lover burns,

Like the way the phoenix burns, like the way it burns before it rises again.


This is the fifth part of the Writing Project in collaboration with Kapil,  we started a few weeks back. We choose a word every week and write our take on it.  This week the word is 'Burn'. For Kapil's work click on the link here http://kapilankar.blogspot.com/2015/12/burn.html

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye 
To someone you love 
Is like reading the final page 
Of an amazing book. 

As the last chapter ends
You begin to notice 
Just how beautiful 
And perfect
The plot always was.  

You appreciate the joy 
And even the pain 
As you read and thumb
Through every page. 

Finally understanding 
The moral of the story, 
You realize you've reached
The end of this journey. 

Although the last sentence  
Is the most difficult to read
Another great book awaits 
Once you turn the final page. 

Eventually you may stumble 
Upon yet another great find.
Or maybe you'll return 
To the book you left behind.

Haiku : Gravity

You are my gravity
Beautiful, I feel grounded
Anchored or Chained.

Those simple things I wish

How I wish you knew the words of the song I wish you would sing for me
The highs and the lows are a little difficult,  I understand,
But they aren't quite,  it's just your mind.
All I need is for u to pour your heart in the verses,
And give them the meaning they deserve to have to have a life.

How I wish you sang them un-melodiously at first,
But loud and clear,  breaking squealing squeaking
Yet confident and warm
All I need is for you to put my heart before your shame, your usual-ness

How I wish you sang to me sometimes,  when I haven't even asked you yet
And surprise me with the chords you have chased,  practised nights in a row
And sang a song only for me,  not for the audience,  Your intimate ones.

How I wish you brought be flowers before your performance,
Those imperfect red roses,  and your best shoes worn out,
And you sang,  like you have never sung before,
A song for the cuckoo's soul, alone and free.

The Writing Project_Reluctance

How you touch my heart,
With a reluctance, of selfish charm,
And leave me to wither.

This is the fourth part of the Writing Project in collaboration with kapil,  we started a few weeks back. We choose a word every week and write our take on it.  This week the word is 'Reluctance'. I've tried writing a Haiku poem,  a Japanese poetry style of 5-7-5 syllables here.

The Writing Project_Gap

Between you and me.
The coloumn of air,  as you pull me close to you,
the waist and your embrace, isn't close enough.

As you hold my fingers,
That grasp and yet the not-so-firm grasp,
Your fingertips and mine, aren't close enough.

Your words when they meet mine,
Tell me a story in pieces, some simple, some convoluted,
Though they aren't yet close enough.

Yet when u hold me close,  I can hear it
That heartbeat,  those fingers at my skin
And there is a gap no more.

Yet when your fingers touch mine, I can feel it,
Those thoughts of genuine caress, as you kiss me,
And  there is a gap no more.

Yet between you and me,  those unsaid words remain,
Even after we have talked for eternity,
You know my heart as I know yours,
And there is a gap no more. 

This is the third part of The Writing Project with Kapil Pilankar, wherein we choose words and write our take on it. The word this time was 'Gap'. It was quite challenging to write this one, done my part here. For Kapil's look at the Gap, please click on the link below
http://kapilankar.blogspot.in/2015/11/gap.html?m=1

The Writing Project_Earrings

Was it your voice that first struck me with nostalgia

And made me quiver at the thought of ever having lost you?

Or Was it your words, of wisdom, of ramblings with no consequence

those which made me think; stayed part of everyday memory?

Was it your effort, that unsaid, but necessary piece of thoughtful action

that which made me want to bless the blessing-giver?

Or was it your screaming, your screeching, un-nerving noise

that which made me want to hate you, while I failed at it every single time?

I think it was your sari, your smell enveloped in the skin of the fabric

That smell that was you-er than you would even know

I think it was your hair, the coconut oil drenched, pulled with rigor

That rigor which perfected everything around you, perfected me,

I think it was your earring, you were there, so close, even when you were far,

That closeness, only announced by its light tinkling, a threat, a relief.

I think it was all these, as much as it was you

I think it was you , as much as it was these,

I think it was the earrings, the only ones that stay with me now. 

I think it was you Ma, announcing a little threat, a little relief.



This is the second part of The Writing Project with Kapil Pilankar, wherein we choose words and write our take on it. For Kapil's look at Earrings, the second word in our writing journey please click on the link below
http://kapilankar.blogspot.com/2015/10/earrings.html

The Writing Project_ pencils.

She scurried amongst her sheets strewn across the damp dusty floor, and looked around in despair. The bundle of unkempt newspapers, was a determined lot, touching the ceiling which worried her. The room was getting darker and she hardly had the strength to move the curtains aside.

As she pushed back her hair behind one ear, she remembered his fingers. The way his large fingers grazed on her long beautiful strands and slowly tucked them back, almost an excuse to feel her skin, edge of her ear and the nape of her neck. That tenderness.

She blinked hard, and resumed her search. The Post Office closes at lunch time, and the walk in the afternoon sun is going to be a long one, but she must go, either way. Maybe those drawers in her closet might have it. The brass box probably. There it was, the red and black, brightly striped pencil.

Her lips curved into a smile and as she walked towards the window pane, she remembered his laugh.  The way his eyes sparkled and he yelled ,”I’ll be back in a minute!”. She was amused and surprised at his spontaneity, almost drowning out others in the restaurant, those with their stares. He came back running and grabbing the paper napkin at the table, pulled out this pack of pencils, and began writing on it. That excitement.

It was time now.  The bravery of putting down words which limit the extent of how she feels, had to be done. Desperately searching for one word, one phrase which would encompass the plethora & depth of emotions had to be thought of. A tear drop arrived as it always does, every time, she fought.

And almost like the way the rivers converge into the oceans, her letter ended with the same words he said at the restaurant. That lovely memory, those lovely pencils, and his laugh.

“Someday if I don't return from the war, erase these words from my letter, and dare to begin a new life with my love.”

This is the first part of the Writing Project with Kapil Pilankar, wherein we choose words and write our take on it. For Kapil's look at Pencils, the first word in our writing journey please click on the link below

http://kapilankar.blogspot.com/2015/10/pencils.html

Fools and flowers.

Today I thought about flowers.

I could possibly be old school. But flowers make me happy. Becos they are simple and so beautiful.

It reminds me of a time when I used to pick up a flower to cheer myself up. And I walked up to a florist and looked all around for that perfect one. Every flower was very beautiful,  each one unique and different from the others. And it used to be difficult to make that choice. I would stand there trying to find the one that catches my eye and makes me stare at it a few seconds longer than the others.

Sometimes I wouldn't find the one I needed at his store. And I would walk away not quite happy. But that disappointment wasn't half as bad as it was how happy I felt when I found the perfect one.

And that's just what I thought about flowers. :)

Not settling for Less is not Unsettling for More.

To my dearest well wishers & aunties who think know what's best for me,

Marriage is very easy. It will effectively take me three meetings,  One to know if the guy can talk in an articulate fashion with little mistakes in grammar,  Two,  to figure out if the family is not known to have a bad history or rumour floating around, hopefully no divorces or the mother isn't a trouble maker,  and Third, the guy is fairly decently dressed, well behaved and shows consistency of behaviour. Background checks and paycheck information is a prelude to the meeting anyway.  And the deal is done. It's simple.

All I have to do then is pump up my excitement for the great wedding day.  I cannot even hide the excitement typing this,  but imagine shopping for that perfect white dress,  you've dreamt of since you were just a kid.  The crazy attention you will be receiving,  the parents going all gaga over you and the string of bachelorrette parties you will struggle to manage your calendar with.

And just like that the wedding day will be over.  The marriage has begun and life has suddenly become,  well,  plain again.
Suddenly settling for the sake of that exciting wedding day seems like a distant dream,  achieved,  realised and plainly pushed into a mental oblivion. The work has now begun. And the dream is now over.

Then there will be days.  Days of wanting to be understood and days when explaining is important.  Two different human beings under one roof is a lot of work and the effort to compromise and find a midpoint is anything but easy. Prayer will form the backbone of a relationship but devotees need to work on their own little forgivings and their own path to each other's hearts.  The motivation to do that isn't external but something that springs from the heart. That emotion is nothing but love and it suffices to have that in good measure for the joy of marriage to last beyond the day of obligated ritual.

It's easy to feel happy about settling,  becos that's how human beings are wired. We rationalise our every decision and portray and begin to feel waves of happiness as well. But the struggle has never been between finding a good relationship versus a bad one. It's never been about finding a good person to marry versus a not-so-good man.  The struggle and rarity of it,  is finding who is best for you versus who is good for you. Not many persevere. Many rationalise. But a few,  very few wait. To find the right one, not just a good one. Because ultimately,  it's love that pulls us through the really tough times. It's true love that helps us overcome a rainy day,  a difficult disease, a worrisome financial crisis.  Because there aren't many,  who will hug you with warmth and stay by your side when you are anything but perfect. Because there aren't many who light up your life,  make u feel just happy when they are around. Because there aren't many who give you that warm happy feeling in your heart when u think about them. And there,  in your heart you will be thankful each day for that person you chose.

And that's why you should never settle.

Waves & Notes

Its a wave that engulfs you, constantly,
tosses you up, when the tide is high
and I feel on the top of the world,
And there is a low, so low,
engulfs you, in its enveloping misery

I sometimes think I'm a mirror,
Reflecting the light that falls
The darkness that's still
Feeling the tossing and the drowning
with un-necessary consistency

His insecurity, Her Anger
Their laughter, It's complication
Everything engulfs and touches my heart
Seeping inside and sometimes spilling out
I cannot see my reflection.

And yet the answers to my cries are within me
The notes aren't far away from the lines that hold them,
Just like the waves of uncertainty flow around me
The notes just stay, unperturbed.
An anchor to my soul, to my words, to my songs.

So I will seek, and I will fight
I will cry, while I choke and tell a story
every fighting moment, Ill stand up,
let the sand slip below my feet, yet I will hold on
to the lines of my notes, the beat of my heart, the sound of my Soul, my God.

That helpless thing called Love.

That constant tug of war, 

Emerging from my mind with swollen twisted carcasses

Pulling me apart, fighting to keep the light burning

That sparkle in my eyes,my tongue, my lips.

Twisted metaphor, resonating my form of thoughts,

Struggling to dream, protecting my flight

That endeavor, Good versus Great,

So much more difficult than good and worse

Constant laughter, constant screaming

Resilience exists, still give me your hand

Love stays, yet show me your heart

Faith builds on, though I need your presence

Believing & Still moving

Leaping & Yet rooted

Two pieces intertwined and pulling at pain.

That constant tug of war. 

"What!! You are going to have Dinner at the restaurant ALONE?"

There is a reason we hate being alone. You know the “man is a social animal thing” however cliche it is IS for the wrong reasons. And no matter how hard I try to make sense of it, what stands out for me in it, is just this:

Humans wish they meant something. To someone. To their spouses, children, lovers, someone. Anyone. Its almost as if we don't have a sense of identity unless we are validated by the presence of another in our lives. Another soul  to gratify our needs to feel existent, feel eased out on the pressures of judgement, to look happier to the world , accomplished, to scare away the fear of loneliness, of appearing like we are  not unworthy of love.  Humans wish we mean something to someone, we are the center of universe for someone, we make a difference to someone in our moments of presence and more in times of absence.

We, the superior of all races, wishes and prays hard, to find a loving wife, a wife who is dutiful and pretty and considers only me, her Hero. We want our children to be dependant on us and we wanna make big decisions for them, because we are wise.  We want to be loved at our workplace, because it makes us feel important. We want to be married by a certain age or are dying to have that  relationship for ages now, because we want to feel secure & safe. No more losing out, no more feeling sorry for ourselves, no more waiting and feeling like a loser.

We hate being alone, Spending time alone, Eating alone, drinking alone, watching a movie alone.Because no one does that. ‘Noone does that’. If I do that, people will only think im lonely and im unworthy. Its just an active demonstration of what I feel deep inside and don't wanna showcase to the world anyway.  Spending time alone is not for me. I don't like the kind of pressure I feel when people at the restaurant welcome me with sympathetic glances at how hollow and shallow my life is. Vacuum fills my life when I have no one to argue my points of view with about a movie or a play. Eating alone would also mean avoiding chewing and relishing every morsel of my food rather gulping it down my throat given the non verbal body language of all the waiters looking into my plate and wondering where my plus 1 is. Being alone would mean lying you need a table for 2 and ending up sitting alone for the rest of the evening. It would also mean paying the entire bill by myself and not being able to finish the whole plate of food by myself.

And of course I disagree.

If the source of our validation is another human being, our sense of identity and happiness will be at his mercy. Notwithstanding the fact that the person we choose might be our soulmate and  hence the person who cares about us the most, even still. The existence & presence then, of that person in our lives will determine what we feel and what we don't feel, basis what the person says and does to us. Is that how we wanna live our lives?

If we don't like our own company, I wonder if anyone ever will enjoy ours. You could be the clown amongst a group of people, but if u cant humor yourself & take yourself less seriously, you haven’t truly developed a sense of humor.

If we feel lesser about ourselves for the absence of a lover, we will never know the embrace of our own soul in times when we are but alone in a crowded room.

If we feel  embarrassed about engaging in activites that make us happy for want of company,what really makes us happy then, except for the presence of another person in our lives?

Being alone is not being lonely.

Its about being happy with our own company. Its about judging ourselves not on the basis of anything external. Its about being happy with the kind of people we are when we are alone, not the kind of person we become when there are others around.

It's being courageous. Falling in love with ourselves ( of course not in a narcissistic way) and being able to hear our own thoughts , while simultaneously having a conversation in our heads, prioritizing our life goals, just being observant and hence sensitive  to people beyond our immediate periphery of events.

Being alone  and spending time alone is calming. It calms your nerves and collects you. You start evaluating what you stand for, Like a calm sea which is deep and needs a moment to assess its depth.

Its not embarrassing and the world doesn't judge you. If anything, You let them judge you and you shouldn't.

Much love.

To Me. J

Will You Stay?

If you know you are descending in a valley, dark & deep

with no escape, no fear of adrenaline, no heartbeat.

Will you stay?

If there are reasons galore to get out & explore,

and yet not find that goal you want,

Maybe there wont be that dream, waiting on you.

As well you might stay in swampy , barren lands where grows no fruit, no flower, no tree

Will you stay?

Will you only write of hopeful conquests, of dreams real

And will you grasp the breakable reality, in place of distant destiny

Will you love yourself & gather courage in your pretty hopeful heart

or Will you stay?

Will you have faith & love for the lord, 

A place that exists, the only real world 

When the time is right, the world arrives

or Will you stay, in the past, fear of letting go, merciless & binding. 

Will you fly?

Will you dream?

Will you hope?

Will you let go?

Will you stay strong?

Will you pray? 

or Will you stay?

Does love complement or Supplement our lives?

A quote on a sitcom I was watching recently got me thinking. One of the actresses, playing the role of a simple ambitious small town girl who is desolate and gasps...”All I needed was to fall in love with a person who completes me”.

I was stunned & befuddled.

Why do we need anything or anyone to complete us? Are we saying we aren’t good enough as we already are? Do we need things to make us feel special, other people to validate us and make us feel treasured or loved? Are single/divorced/widowed men or women leading incomplete and hopeless lives?

I think the issue is not this EXACT question itself. What the character in the episode and so many people I know ( sometimes myself) are really saying is: “We need certain pre-defined gratification for us to feel validated, important & arrived in our lives” The issue is the mindset that most people have around a variety of what they term as ‘well-defined routes to happiness’ which makes them think to themselves:

·         If I find a job that pays me X, I will feel complete/happy.

·         If I find a job with THAT company, I will feel complete/happy

·         If I find THAT kinda PERSON to marry & fall in love with, I will feel complete/happy

·         If I realize THAT DREAM, I will feel complete/happy.

 Truth is, at various points in my own life I myself have felt that the gratification of a certain goal will make or break my life. I know the gnawing pull, that uncomfortable sensation in the heart which comes from constantly fixating on a goal my mind has set itself on. But the truth also is, I also know the temporary & fleeting sense of happiness that lasts shorter than the life of a flower in full bloom , when we do meet our goals. It doesn't stay.

Its in those times that we wish we could achieve the fine balance of consistent  Self love & Ambition, a force that constantly invigorates our inner strength delving in self love along with the force that pushes us further ahead, edging us on to take newer flights, make newer dreamboards.

We are NOT our jobs, our dreams, our marriages, our relationships. They are a part of US. They ARE NOT Us. Don't define your life with the parameters of what you have achieved. The world judges you basis your achievements & that's a parameter designed to always make you feel lesser than who you really are. 

The Unaffordable Self Love paradigm

Its simple. 

Its not how you dress, or how your hair looks. 

It is not the Clarks or a Hill road kolhapuri. 

The Fossil or a Thai Fossil

Your bad vocabulary or a few loaned words

poor Skilled or Skilled poorly

It doesnt matter. 

It doesnt matter except to you. 

It matters to you and tips the scale 

of self love and acceptance

It builds and stalls your anxieties 

of strange glances and uncomfortable pitch

As though all the lies they screamed through the Screen told you, are true. 

They lied, you believed. 

Who needs to pay a price for self esteem?

Who worries if self love is affordable?

Who cares if we succeed with both?

They lied, and we will not believe. 

Peace, Confidence & Love are as free as the Stars. 

And naked we embrace all of it. 

A man at the coffee shop and my favorite cappuchino

I am sitting at a coffee shop in a decently crowded mall. I can see a lot of families , parents with their kids , husbands and wives, grand parents and grand children looking at the myriad displays of toys, jewellery, sarees, books, home furniture. Many look past the windows and some enter. Many find the stuff expensive, few pay up and leave.

At the coffee shop is a man. Aged 30-35 probably . I notice he wears a hearing aid. I know that he cant hear me. Ive been to this place too many times now. I remember him. I ‘enunciate’ the word ‘ cappuchino’ . He nods his head. I add ‘small’. He half nods. Im not sure he heard me. I use my hands to demonstrate. I make a C with a palm of my hand and I say ‘ small’ He nods in affirmation, quite confidently this time. I take a seat.
I see a young 27-28 year old woman arrive with a man by her side. They look like a couple, unmarried. She wants Tea. They don’t really know why this man at the counter is not able to understand her. He write down the word “ tea? Tea bag is available”. She asks him a few more questions by writing on a piece of paper. And now he knows what she wants. Hes struggling, but he looks very confident. Not a hint of unsurety.
I look at him and I look at me. His loneliness must be so much worse than mine I imagine. At least my loneliness can be escaped for a while by all this noise. I can escape with music, by theatre, by the sound of my own voice and the sound of other people’s too. I can escape the depths of darkness and the Silence that I dread, by filling up life with as much noise as I can. Can he? What does he do when he wants to talk to someone and express his deepest fears and joys? What does he do when he’s so angry and hurt, when all that he needs to do to let it out is scream and shout? How does he sincerely, continuously work every single day, without the music to pep him up when he’s travelling or to calm him down when hes tired and frustrated. He’s as much human as you and me. Im sure he struggles to live with constant hopelessness of extraordinary life, extraordinary love and extraordinary lifestyle.
As I see him relentlessly working through all the work he’s been doing as I write; I wonder if he has faith. I wonder if he worries so much about a future he hasn’t seen and about a present hes probably not very happy with. Is he happy about where he is? Does he believe that life will get better as he goes along? Does he live in faith and hope, believing that God is looking after him. God wont disappoint him, that he will have everything he truly wishes for and prays for, if they are in God’s plan that is. God never disappoints, He has the best plans always. Hes working with so much sincerity; so much love. Maybe God wants us to have patience sometimes. The best things come to us when we wait. And Maybe the man in the coffee shop behind the counter is doing just that. How little faith we have, how little love.

The girl who needs just a conversation.

There is a girl I know who only wants to talk. Yes, the one who also only wants to listen.

First, She searches for the perfect person, filled with imperfectness and struggle.

She looks for any sign of restlessness or sometimes absolute peace.

She Yearns for his eyes and hands and legs and skin to do the talking first. Before those words emanate.

She Charms him and she laughs at herself while she desperately looks for the glint in his eyes.

She adopts his skin to let him know that “its okay”

She urges him to feel her pulse just as she feels his.

She talks about life, the past that was, the present there is and the future there is to seek.

That's all she knows. She wants to have conversations about faith, about life, about hurt, about sorrow, about pain, about childhood memories, about beauty and travel and everything in between.

She wants to fall in love.

She wants to LIVE life. The hair-raising experience like Life. Where tears flow out the moment you revisit the above. Sometimes with pain, but mostly with nostalgia and joy.

Like a Hollywood movie, which is music, drama, action and then a happy ending.

She wants just a conversation.  With someone who is present, someone who is really there with you. Listening to you and all the words that come out of your mouth.

And understands them the way u need to be understood. And Vice versa.

And she waits, with a book, a prayer and a smile.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then years pass, and I meet this girl again.

Is it her painted toe-nails or the curves of her youthful body, or is it her freckled skin or the tremor on her lips?

I don't recognize her, a ghost, searching yearning for a kill, shes lost her childish charm, her laughter, her gait

A woman who looks beyond when she looks at you, her eyes searching for her soul, restless and hopeful

Her reluctant lips speaking reluctant words, yet articulate, enunciated.

She seems more content now, yet a desperate discomfort just before she looks away

She hardly speaks, she doesn't listen. She absorbs my glance and smiles warmly

Noone can read her, Noone can know.

Noone can attempt to understand her skin and soul.

The girl who just needs a conversation, a lost child to a woman.

A woman who contemplates Life and questions hope.

A woman who needs not love, not to live life.

A woman who doesn't just need a conversation.

A woman whose mind you will never know.

A simple unique movie plot is awaited, not Hollywood drama.

She tremors yet keeps calm

As she waits, Hoping against Hope.

With a book, a prayer and a smile.

The woman who doesn't just need a conversation.  

Catharsis

He stares, She fidgets.

In an instant when their eyes meet, his heart sinks. Her’s flutters.

Deciphering a moment, She begins with memories, mostly good ones.

Deciphering too much emotion, He measures his words and alters his thoughts.

He is unsure he says.

She is in love she says.

The tumultuous drive to touch the tip of her fingers is submerged now,

 The loud clanging of her heart breaking makes her wish he spoke louder now,

The moment is over; emotion has given way.

He looks away. She stumbles

Bucket list 2014--what were yours?

We are because of our dreams. We feel alive with a sense of purpose that is created in our belly to strive harder, never give up and inspire fellow beings. 2014 was one of the most 'eventful' years of my life and I'm only thankful to the Almighty for every bit of it. I have checked off quite a few items on the list this year, some of Which I'd like to share with you.

1. Backpack trip to another continent
This was a birthday gift to myself and never has any another gift been more priceless than this. Eastern Europe is beautiful and this soul liberating trip is one of the few high points of my life ( currently in the process of writing a detailed post on d trip on my new site, will share)

2. First international trip to Dubai
Wonderful friends and a birthday surprise, could have had a better time than I actually did. Another trip to Dubai in the near future to make good. But glad I did this one.

3. Kailash kher concert live
This one was on my bucket list for years and I finally made it. I kept tracking the Kailasa bands movements and it's only God willing that this happened in November this year. I sang my heart out, cried my heart out at some of the songs and felt real happiness after so long!

4. Family vacation
I took my family out for a vacation his year and I only feel proud to have been able to do it. Was a quiet relaxing beach vacation and I couldn't ask for more.

5. Fulfilling successful Working year
I had a very difficult yet successful year at work. A number of personal and professional issues came up but at the end of it all I've emerged with more confidence having achieved my work goals I set for myself.

What were your bucket list items you struck off this year? I'm very excited to hear them. Do share and have a fantastic 2015!