Choices

Who's to say you've made the right or wrong choice?
When Love tiptoes from the back door, Reason leaves,
When Trust creeps up from the closet, Risk walks in with it,
When Dreams look bigger from a 100 yards, Courage is born.

Who's to say you've made the right or wrong choice?
When we brace ourselves with Blind Faith, our loved ones let us go,
Noone seeks us but our destiny,
And noone stands by our side but our Faith
And Instinct disguises itself.

Who's to say you've made the right or wrong choice?
Is the end result it's testimony?
Or the process of learning it's validation?
And what is the 'end' that we refer to?
is it the end of that ' relationship' or the end of my 'last breath'?
When does Judgement day arrive?
When do you pronounce your verdict?
And who does?

The only right choice that doesnt change though,
is the courage to do what is to be done,
and every choice is a plan
and the faith to make it, A blessing,
And Who's to say you've made the right or wrong choice?
And Who's to say you've made the right or wrong choice?

The End.

Delving into the anxieties of my mind

There are 2 definitions of the word ‘anxiety’ that I come across in the Oxford Dictionary.

1) a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome

2) strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen:

And truly, we can look at anxiety only in terms of these 2 definitions.

In the 1^st definition, there is an increased emphasis on ‘feeling of worry, nervousness and uneasiness’ and the more I read this definition I feel forced to replace this phrase with the word DOUBT( Lack of faith that it will happen).

While in the 2^nd definition, I am pushed to rephrase the entire definition as ‘A strong desire for Something that you really want, which hasn't happened yet’.

And these are the only 2 ways of looking at Anxieties that you and I face.

So there are essentially 2 ways of decoding/looking at how people interpret the anxieties that they face. .

Let me explain. When I ask my friends to put their anxieties into statements, there is a very clear, coherent response that most of them provide. Some responses are:

• ·         I don't know if I will get appraised for all the slogging I do in my job. My growth in the company is uncertain.
• ·         I don't know if I will get married. Will I end up being alone?
• ·         I don't know if I will find the right man to marry
• ·         I worry about what will happen to my parents who are getting old.
• ·         I am worried if I will make enough money in the coming year, considering I want to settle down.
• ·         I don't know if I will find another job, if I quit my present one.
• ·         I don't know if I will ever figure out where my passion truly lies.

And then when I see the above responses in the light of the 2^nd definition (A strong desire for Something that you really want, which hasn't happened yet’) I cannot help myself but rephrase all of these statements above:

• ·         I want to get appraised for all the slogging that I do in my job. I want to understand how my growth is planned in this company.
• ·         I want to get married. I don't want to be alone.
• ·         I want to find the right man to marry.
• ·         I want to emotionally deal with the fact that my parents will be getting old and someday they will die
• ·         I want to make enough money in the coming year, because I want to settle down.
• ·         I want to find another job and quit the present one.
• ·         I want to figure out where my passion truly lies.

And it only becomes clearer to me, that all the ‘I don't know’s’  are replaced with ‘I want’s when we look at the 2^nd definition.

 In other words, all the DOUBTS are replaced by ‘YOUR STRONG DESIRE’.

 Allow me to take a pause and remind you that ‘Uncertainty’ exists in Both scenarios.

 There is Great amount of Uncertainty in Both situations, but the only difference is in the approach. While the former is a weak,powerless and unaided approach to Uncertainty, the latter springs from a place of Self-awareness, Self-love and hopefulness. While the former Steers from Doubt and hence is operating from a place of lack of confidence in ourselves being able to influence our situations and lack of faith that life will give what we ask for; the latter focuses on the acknowledgement of my desires with a hopeful, faithful impatience in realizing these desires.

So the question is how does one develop this second approach to deal with anxiety. Answer is simple. For Athiests, Its Positive energy that you create, which will lead the Universe to conspire and deal out that positive energy to you. And for the Believers, like me, Its faith with Prayer. Faith that God is listening to everything that you seek, maybe the way you want it isn’t His plan. But what you want or need is exactly what you WILL have. And I don't really say it, God says it. ( Matthew 7:7-11).

Well, its difficult to live life believing what you cannot see, or cannot feel sometimes. But that is what Faith is. We cannot control every area of our lives and the sooner we accept it, the lesser anxiety we will feel. We can do our best by being powerful, hopeful in our words and in our thoughts, and acknowledging and working towards our strongest desires. But there comes a point, where after all of this, you just have to leave the edge and believe you will fly.  

Fear and Faith.

Sometimes you want something much more than how afraid you are of it.

Sometimes you let yourself be consumed by fear. Fear that’s Irrational and Exhausting.

Sometimes Fear consumes you without your consent. Consent that's Chained and Helpless.

Fear that shakes you up,

Knots your stomach in its insides

And leaves you parched.

Fear that weakens your shoulders

And makes you cry your guts out.

It loosens up your mind and lets itself parole carelessly on the boundaries of faithlessness and hopelessness.

Sometimes you consent to take a risk. Risk that’s some Reluctance and some Hopeful.

Sometimes that risk is taken because you build little faith. Little Faith that builds destiny

Sometimes destiny demands that you fulfill it. Fulfillment that’s Elevating and Inspiring.

And so you reach Fulfillment because sometimes you want something much more than how afraid you are of it.

A Story I am chasing

In the pauses of my day

I watched the rain. 

A void i had to fill, a story I was chasing. 

A chase never ends. 

What ends is the joy,that which the object of chase provides. 

Like a bend on the longest road, on one of your longest runs. 

And at that next bend, you find new joy.

Sometimes i want to let go of the running

i want to stroll, stop, linger and sit down on the way. 

Breathe the cold wet ground, and the sounds of my universe

And feel the rains, settling down the restlessness that's pulling at my skin. 

But then i know ill wither. 

And just like the rain, ill grow weary of the days ill spend stagnating

And little by little, my heart-ache will turn into a void. 

A void ill need to fill, a story ill need to chase. 

And so ill chase. Knowing it never ends, 

And ill run like i never did, on the longest winding roads

Because ill carry my joy in my heart, and not let it rest in the eyes of my object

With my eyes set on the rainbow, as the rain falls. 

A void ill fill, a story ill make.

In love with a stranger?

Take One:

Its 6.45am. My alarm rings and I lay motionless trying hard to decipher what all this noise is about. Its un-necessarily bright, the sky. And I suddenly remember I have an interview to go to, a difference to make in my life. I make a decision to travel by the local train today, though I always use the road. It’s a quick logical and well measured choice. And I was there sitting in a second class compartment of a smelly, crowded Andheri Local on a Bright Sunday morning. That is where i met the stranger.

He caught my eye when he was selling a bunch of earrings to a lady, further away from my seat. While he stood next to her, eager to make a sale, He Yawned. He rubbed his eyes and and looked away. And that's when he looked at me. I shifted my gaze, but not quickly enough. He gestured if i wanted to pick one earring from his tray. And i said okay.

Take two:

He hands me the tray.

Me: Ek ka Kitna?

Him: 10 rupees only!

Me: (While my head is still buried into his tray) Do you go to School?

Him: yes.

Me: kahaan hai school?

Him: Andhra Pradesh main.

Me: ( smile) very good. Kaunsa class main hai tu?

Him: 3^rd Std.

Im stunned. Mentally I am trying to quickly think of what’s the age of a 3^rd Standard kid? I don’t know 5, 6? Boys his age must be tucked up safely in their warm beds and wake up to a hot fresh breakfast and run out to play. What time did he actually wake up today morning? Does he have a comfortable place to stay. He interrupted my thoughts.

He: Yeh earring lo, accha hai.

Me: Nai. I don’t like it.

A lady sitting besides me vacates the seat. I gesture him to come sit next to me. He doesn’t hesitate. I buy 2 earrings, not that i like them.

Take Three

He: Where are you going?

Me: I’m going for an interview.

He: what is that?

Me: If u want a job, you need to meet people from the place and show them that you can work for them.

He: what will u work in?

Me: Teaching.

(Meanwhile women around me in the train are intently listening to the conversation)

He: How many children you have?

(The crowd around bursts laughing-They can’t control their urge to snigger at the innocent question of a kid)

He: No, No..i meant class main kitney bacchey hain.

His need to correct himself on what he meant, almost felt like he wasn’t happy about making me feel embarrassed. I was a little embarrassed( given that im a little touchy about getting older by the years).

The bond was established now. As he sat staring outside the window, but still sitting closer to me on the bench, I was wondering what the silence between us meant.

We sat there for a long time. With just Silence between us.

He: Do they have a telugu school in mumbai?

Me: i don’t know, i don’t think so. You get good marks in school na?

He: mereko A+ mila in mathematics( he pronounced the entire word) and English main. ( with a sheepish smile) and my friend got B+ J

He walked away and came back with an English Alphabet book. While i looked at his entire family (1 sister, mother, 2 brothers) on the boarding area of the train. He showed off how well he new alphabets and words.

The train Pulled into Santacruz station. 

He left and stood at the door to get off.

I looked at him and waved. He waved back.

On the station as the train moved on, the tracks changed. And so did we.

Walk on the Water

Little Faith.

I always hoped. I hoped in hope.

When the sun did not shine, for the clouds to subside

When the tears never stopped, for the cheer to pass me by

When the love was lost, to find a new, better one

When the hope was lost, to revive it again.

I hoped again. And this time I hoped in the one to whom hope belongs.

When the sun did not shine, the clouds subsided and the rainbow came

When the tears never stopped, cheer came by and stopped before me.

When the love was lost, at the right time it arrived.

When the hope was lost, He revived it again.

Study your current life situation. Pay attention and understand where you are, what place you are in your job. Or in terms of your family status, your health, your finances, romantic love life? Or anything that you currently are happy about.  Can you connect the dots? Do you ever feel that whatever led you to this consequence in the past was meant to be. All those failures and successes of the past are exactly what led you to what you have today?

You wouldn’t have had the job you have today, hadn’t you been rejected for a few job interviews in the past. You might have never ever met the love of your life, hadn’t you broken up with all those girls in the past( or the other way round),think of all those who you thought were mean, and you had differences with. So If you haven’t yet had your share of happiness, your share of the ‘ive made it!’ moment, its not over yet. The dots haven’t been joined and the picture is yet to take shape. Because when it will, everything will make sense.

And what takes us and strengthens us in these ‘I want it so badly – Cant have it yet- this is perfect- I’ve lost this- nothing makes sense-to a wow! This is finally making sense’ moment?

Faith.

Before you guffaw and run through this post with the exact opposite feeling of disbelief and distrust, let me stop you just for ONE moment. Do you think FAITH is difficult to sustain? What if you see no signs from the Universe or GOD or the super power , that life will get better. Your ridiculously irrational Boss and your pathetically selfish co-workers are making your life miserable and the job sites refuse to throw up a job that pays you well and respects the skill you think are rusting at your current place of work?

Can someone sustain Faith when, right from valentine’s day cards to product commercials to Chick flicks and Sitcoms are ALL blaring with smiling couples staring at you with a hint of sympathy and proclaiming to the world how ‘True love’ has redeemed their lives.

I don’t think Ill be out of the line if I say, YES. You know why? Because Faith comes naturally to us. God put it there, because he wanted us to believe and Believing is everything. BELIEVING IS EVERYTHING.

‘Having Faith’ is one of the few things God taught us when we were made alive. Have you ever observed a child? If you haven’t, please go out,, go meet a friend’s kid, if you don’t have one of your own. Go out, go to an orphanage. And just talk to them. Play and read out stories. And they will teach you what Faith is all about. Toss them up in the air and for a brief second look at them when you wait for them to fall back into your hands.

Name that emotion in their eyes. And name that emotion causing a flutter in your inners.   

I hope you’ll find the answer.